Damsel in Distress

 

I just wanted to be someone’s Rachel

I grew up to Disney stories, happy ever after, and prince charming. Obviously I would want my very own version, I bet most girls do. But there’s one thing that these Disney princesses have that I don’t. I’m not pretty, and I’m no royalty either. So what chances does an ugly-looking-duckling like me have on ever-after?  Even the bible speaks of Rachel having a beautiful figure and a pretty face, guess what? She gets the love and attention.

The story about Jacob,  Leah and Rachel is one of my all time favorite. Generally, it’s a story of how the nation Israel came to be, but aside from that, it’s also a story about love, hard work, patience, and rivalry. There’s so much that I can relate to in the story, it’s like a modern tv series drama. For those of you who know the story, you know how it goes. For those who are interested it starts in Genesis 29, Chapter 4.

I used to see Leah as “the other girl”, ironically as it may seem coz she’s the first wife. She wasn’t the girl this hero guy had hoped for. She was probably fat, ugly, and/or crossed-eyed. She named her first three sons after her misery. But on having her fourth, she focused on God,  naming her son Judah, meaning ‘I will praise the Lord’. Here is something about Leah that I haven’t looked into before.

She was unwanted, and Jacob probably didn’t made love to her, maybe it was all just sex and propagating. She was unloved, unhappy and insecure. But God saw her sorrow and He blessed her, she just had to keep on going. She did the best she could and finally stopped looking at her misery. She started to focus on God and the role she had to play in this world. In the end, she had a long life and had lots of children. She even took her sister’s children as her own. I would say she was a super mom. She outlived her pretty little sister and she was the first and last wife of Jacob. I bet her husband finally chose her in the end. Jacob wanted to be buried beside her.

“I just wanted to be someone’s Rachel… said the dramatic princess in me. But, speaking as an aspiring queen I say “I may not be a Rachel, but surely I am able to rise up and play a woman’s role worthy of the life that’s given to me”. To my fellow women (and to me), getting a guy’s attention is not everything in this world. There’s more to life than chasing men and vanity. Be beautiful for your own self and not for someone else. Happiness within is a real beauty. Lesson learned; Pretty girls don’t get everything (you’re wrong Cleopatra). Surrendering to God does, (Matthew 6:33).

Ghosting

 

“You’re not dead, but not alive either. You’re a ghost with a beating heart”

I almost forgot how it feels like to walk-to work-to face people (they are everywhere), feeling like a puppet being dragged to get on with life. I’ve been doing so many things the past couple of years. I’ve been winning battles, having adventure with friends,  and sunny days knowing my family’s love is with me.  I’m planted in an awesome community, my church. But  I feel like the ghost is creeping again. And I am suddenly reminded how my life was living like a ghost.

That feeling when you want to be happy but you know there’s no happy ending. You try to make sense of things. You analyze situation and you realize everything is meaningless. How you laugh with friends at the simplest jokes. How you wish for new clothes and latest gadgets.  How stupid you are to please people you don’t even like.  Meaningless, all meaningless! How talking to people can be so hard because you have to put up a face. Deep inside you want to talk to them with something else, a conversation deeper than a Targeryan language. You are sure they won’t understand but they’ll eat your head insisting they would. And the fact that they are insisting is already a CLEAR SIGN they really won’t understand. And you deal with the fact that you’re alone.  No one but your own smart head every minute of your breathing life going back and forth with your own thoughts.  Suddenly, you seem not to be afraid of anything painful anymore. Would you feel better if you just cry? But it’s not happening. Eating is just another chore.  Waking up is another meaningless task. It’s like carrying a big empty drum. You know it’s weightless, but when you drop it you’re done. And you still debate in your head wether it’s better to still carry it, or just get it over with,  the easy way.  Once and for all.

Oh I know this gate, I’ve been in here before and now I know it leads to nothing. More meaningless despair. Love conquers all, and knowing this makes me stronger to fight  and lead myself out back to the sunny days of dreams; music, adventure, and drones. Instead of looking at what I lack (which is a portal to nothingness), I will focus on what I have. I brought myself in this situation (me and my smart head, entertaining thoughts) and I  need to get myself out. The so called “divine intervention” is there, I just have to open my eyes and see it, like how Moses noticed the burning bush and went nearer. I will draw nearer, the call is already there! I need to move.

To be honest, I’m no expert in this. But if you’re someone going through something like this, there are people sincerely willing to help. And if you choose to carry the weight of that empty drum by yourself, try placing your love ones inside. That would give you a meaning to carry it further (should you really have to). It’s never easy to accept things we cannot change, but it could be easier to just let go and give it to someone who has endured all things. He listens and He still do miracles. Get to know Him before your head makes remarks.

Job 17:15
15 where then is my hope— who can see any hope for me?

Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 3:2-6
2 Many are saying of me,“God will not deliver him.”[a]3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.4 I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain.5 I lie down and sleep;I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.

 

Doing life with them