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“You’re not dead, but not alive either. You’re a ghost with a beating heart”
I almost forgot how it feels like to walk-to work-to face people (they are everywhere), feeling like a puppet being dragged to get on with life. I’ve been doing so many things the past couple of years. I’ve been winning battles, having adventure with friends, and sunny days knowing my family’s love is with me. I’m planted in an awesome community, my church. But I feel like the ghost is creeping again. And I am suddenly reminded how my life was living like a ghost.
That feeling when you want to be happy but you know there’s no happy ending. You try to make sense of things. You analyze situation and you realize everything is meaningless. How you laugh with friends at the simplest jokes. How you wish for new clothes and latest gadgets. How stupid you are to please people you don’t even like. Meaningless, all meaningless! How talking to people can be so hard because you have to put up a face. Deep inside you want to talk to them with something else, a conversation deeper than a Targeryan language. You are sure they won’t understand but they’ll eat your head insisting they would. And the fact that they are insisting is already a CLEAR SIGN they really won’t understand. And you deal with the fact that you’re alone. No one but your own smart head every minute of your breathing life going back and forth with your own thoughts. Suddenly, you seem not to be afraid of anything painful anymore. Would you feel better if you just cry? But it’s not happening. Eating is just another chore. Waking up is another meaningless task. It’s like carrying a big empty drum. You know it’s weightless, but when you drop it you’re done. And you still debate in your head wether it’s better to still carry it, or just get it over with, the easy way. Once and for all.
Oh I know this gate, I’ve been in here before and now I know it leads to nothing. More meaningless despair. Love conquers all, and knowing this makes me stronger to fight and lead myself out back to the sunny days of dreams; music, adventure, and drones. Instead of looking at what I lack (which is a portal to nothingness), I will focus on what I have. I brought myself in this situation (me and my smart head, entertaining thoughts) and I need to get myself out. The so called “divine intervention” is there, I just have to open my eyes and see it, like how Moses noticed the burning bush and went nearer. I will draw nearer, the call is already there! I need to move.
To be honest, I’m no expert in this. But if you’re someone going through something like this, there are people sincerely willing to help. And if you choose to carry the weight of that empty drum by yourself, try placing your love ones inside. That would give you a meaning to carry it further (should you really have to). It’s never easy to accept things we cannot change, but it could be easier to just let go and give it to someone who has endured all things. He listens and He still do miracles. Get to know Him before your head makes remarks.
Job 17:15 15 where then is my hope— who can see any hope for me? Jeremiah 29:11 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 3:2-6 2 Many are saying of me,“God will not deliver him.”[a]3 But you, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high.4 I call out to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain.5 I lie down and sleep;I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.6 I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
Doing life with them